I have become a bit of a menopausing hot flushing expert over the last three years so here is a fun article I wrote about what I have experienced…
Most of us will get hot flashes but what they don’t tell you is that most of us won’t get
the same type.
Some of us will flush for 30 minutes while others will only get a 30 second
flash. 25 percent of us won’t get any menopausal symptoms at all. Whether you are a
flusher, a flasher or lucky as all hell, here’s an unscientific look at menopausal hotness
A is for Anxious. These fluttery hot flushes live to amp up existing drama. They lie in
wait until you are late for work, drop toothpaste on your blouse and lose your keys.
B is for Blush. The face-reddening flushes like to strike when talking to a friend’s
gorgeous husband or when someone’s sandwich is missing from the fridge at work. Of
course you don’t want to sleep with your friends husband and you aren’t a
lunch stealer but the blush-flush makes you look guilty.
C is for Cold. The same hormonal problems that make you heat up, can also work in the
reverse. An icy sensation sneaks through your flesh and into your bones. Instead of hot
flushes these are the cold creeps.
D is for Delectable. It’s always when you’ve made a delicious hot dinner that a flash
comes along and suddenly it’s the last thing you want to eat. On the plus side, there’s a
new reason to eat salad.
E is for Emergency. Women have rushed to A & E fearing a heart attack. Turned out they
had really bad hot flashes.
F is for Fans. Adoring masses are always fun but in the middle of a night sweat, the
electrical type, perfectly angled to blow blissfully cold air, is far more satisfying.
G is for Ginger. If you get queasy hot flushes it’s worth trying this homeopathic
approach. If it works for you that’s great, if not, it’s an excuse to have an extra
H is for feeling Hot Hot Hot. Even though Buster Pointdexter was a man he wrote a hot
flash anthem, “Me mind on fire –Me soul on fire — Feeling hot hot hot”. Buster turned
heat into a dance and so can we.
I is for Ice. Never underestimate the power of a well-placed icepack. They can be put on
your pillow, tucked in your cleavage or surreptitiously slipped up a skirt to the inside
thigh for instant relief.
J is for Joking. Hot flashes are silly ridiculousness. Make up silly ridiculous jokes about
K is for Keep Away. That’s what you want written on a flashing red sign when you’re
boiling hot and your other half goes in for a cuddle.
L is for Layers. Repeated hot flushes in tight polo neck wooly jumpers should be made
into a punishment reserved for the vilest of criminals. Don’t let this happen to you.
M is for Mood swings. Hormones aren’t just for ovaries. These mysterious chemicals
play a part in regulating body functions from our hearts to our brains. So when
they are behaving erratically, is it any wonder that you might too.
N is for Naked. You used to have other kinds of clothes-free fantasies, now during a flush,
your imagination goes wild, thinking about streaking through snow.
O is for One-Liner. People can often get worried, curious or perturbed by your sudden
heat and subsequent stripping. Have a one-liner ready to go to allay their concerns or if
you’re so inclined, confuse them even more. Whether you want to explain that you are
having your own private summer or claim, “This envelope is wet.
I’m waving it around in front of me to dry it off.” Having something to say is empowering.
P is for Panic. If you’re in the supermarket hyperventilating over what type of lettuce
to buy, it might be the beginning of a hot flush. Put down the lettuce and head for the
Q is for Queasy. Nauseous hot flushes feel like a bad case of seasickness. Slow deep
relaxing breaths can help but if the thought of that makes you feel sicker, then try
playing a zombie game on your phone.
R is for Red. This is the colour of heat and often the colour of your face. If you can’t
match the hue of your flushed neck to your vibrant red dress, its best to go with the blue
S is for Showers. This is the perfect place to get a hot flush. Turn the tap to cold and
relish the joy of instant temperature adjustment.
T is for Tears. Bring tissues, wear waterproof mascara, and then remember the silly jokes
you made up.
U is for Unrelenting. Instead of being spaced out, these flashes all want to get together
for a big flash mob party. It ‘s hard to catch a breath before the next one comes along.
Imagine you’re celebrating with them, it’s an excuse to eat ice cream.
V is for Vicious. Sometimes flushes are unfairly tough. It feels like you are getting
picked on and everyone else’s flushes are a tropical breeze in comparison.
W is for Wine. Although a glass of red wine is a lovely way to unwind after a day
of sweating, layer adjusting, and embarrassing blushes, alcohol, along with caffeine, can
induce even more hot flashes. This is completely unfair.
X marks the spot. You know that person’s name, you’ve been married to them for ten
years, you have two children together, you woke up with them this morning, but as a flash
comes on there is a only a blank X in your brain where their name used to be.
Y is for Years. Everyone’s menopause is unique, but the average woman experiences
theirs between a 2 to 10 year window of time.
Z is for Zanier. That’s what life with hot flashes just got.