In my first dream of 2015 Obama popped over to my house and asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with him. I told him he would have to wait in the living room because Alyssa Milano was coming over. When she arrived the two of us hung out in my bedroom. She flirtily curled up on my lap while I played with her hair.
I’m not a lover of gym’s so it would probably take a first world leader to get me back into one. I’m in the midst of watching all 8 seasons of the witchy drama, Charmed, so I spend too much time curled up on my bed with Alyssa Milano in my real life.
As I crawled back into bed at 8pm on New Year’s Day to watch more Charmed, I realized there might be a little more to this dream. On the one hand I feel the pull to be active, get out there, seize the day, live my life, be a leader and change the world. On the other hand I, more than not, am lured into just hanging out on or in my bed. It is comfortable, maybe I will read or learn nine life hacks online that will change me and maybe if I rest enough I will, at some point, have enough energy for my life.
I still feel physically, emotionally, psychically and energetically depleted. Life and responsibility easily overwhelm me. There are so many interconnected reasons for this. My lack of ovaries make my body and mind feel I’m in my 60’s instead of under 40. I am under 40 for six more months so I am planning to use that phrase a lot while I can. Alternatively the loss of energy could be linked to the lack of sunlight, not enough good kale in the UK or depression.
I marvel at other people’s stamina as they work long hours, hang out late, buy houses, plan holidays 18 months in advance, have an interesting hobby and remember to write thank you cards. I have active work and am an avid daily walker but I feel I’ve such a small reserve that when the floor needs to be swept, an email to responded to and the dishwasher unloaded it sparks anxiety.
As I lay there thinking about everyone else’s New Years resolutions to run marathons I realize I find it hard to plan ahead because I don’t have a reliable income of energy. Normally rest produces a regrouping but I never wake up feeling refreshed and ready. Often energy begets more energy but even when I walk seven miles, clean my house and hit up a power yoga class I still could, at any moment, lay down.
I hear the insistent beeping of the washing machine and get up to turn on the dryer so the wet clothes aren’t hanging around. I dutifully pull myself away from the witches on the screen. Instead of energy, I have will. It pushes me to get out of bed but when it weakens I crawl back in. Will is a judgmental task master. It gets the job done but takes away the joy.
If I were a witch and able to cast a spell (for personal gain) I would want my life filled with enthusiastic joyous energy. A life where I wouldn’t be able to wait to get up. A life where I would fall into bed at night delighted to have gotten so much done, enjoying my rest since it brings me more energy for the next day.
I google witchcraft, Wicca and spells.
I want a break from forcing, coaxing and pushing. I will myself to eat right, exercise, do things to make the world a little better, have social time, bop around to music as I get dressed and go to work. My will is strong. It has been enough to get me to where I am but I wan’t ease. I want magic. After having cancer I’m supposed to be out there living, really living.
The episode comes to an end and it’s time to wrap up the day. I push pillows around and close my eyes to make a wish that tonight is the night and 2015 is the year I sleep deeply and jump out of bed.
If that doesn’t work I may have to dream conjure Barack and Alyssa again to do a power of three spell.