In my bedroom there is a closet of disaster. It houses my jewelry, books, old electronics and odd socks. The closet scares me so much that I just shove things in and try to avoid things hitting me as they fall out.
I always plan on organising it, but there never seems to be a day that I want to ruin by wading through umbrellas, letters from exes and cassette tapes. It’s been over eighteen months since I last ventured in with the intention of tidying. I was starting to think that I might have to learn to coexist with the avalanche instead of lying to myself that one day I could tame it.
I woke up in a foul mood this morning. My dreams were full of escalators. I had to jump from one escalator to another. The goal was to jump three times and it was life and death stakes, the prize for completing the challenge was to be cancer-free forever. I could do two escalators, it was the third that I kept stumbling on and I was becoming increasingly frustrated.
I was angrily scared when I woke up. It was not lost on me that tomorrow is my third procedure under general anesthesia and I am more nervous than I want to be. Or perhaps the dream just serves me right for playing angry birds right before I went to sleep.
I lay in bed beating myself up for not having done my laundry, not having eaten enough vegetables yesterday and having an untidy room. Lauren tried to calm me down but instead my tears of frustation propelled me from the bed and a whirlwind of cleaning activity ensued. Not only did I clean, tidy, organise, rearrange my bedroom furniture but I ventured into the closet of doom. Despite my loathing for cleaning, I kept doing it, all day.
For 7 hours I didn’t think about how this is my last day of having cute perfectly shaped breasts. For 7 hours I didn’t think about the outcome of my pathology report that will decide whether or not I need more chemo. For 7 hours I didn’t think about whether or not to do the surgery and instead find a clinical trial for the cryoblast freezing technique. Instead I threw away old nail varnish, tried to fix broken necklaces and scrutinised my new placement of the rug.
I would love to report that I now have a sparklingly organised closet, but my description of the disaster was not understated. The cupboard had way more than one day’s worth of work but I do have one shelf of bracelets that are colour co-ordinated and untangled.
I fear my closet is in trouble if it takes a lumpectomy to spur me into action.
I will write a quick update about the surgery tomorrow.
Thank you for all the lovely well wishes, I am snuggling up with them tonight.
Thank you Karma for my fabulous flowers! They are gorgeous and the perfect addition to a freshly tidied room.